My English lesson made me think. We were talking about career choices and I realized that I don’t know what I want to be. Well, I’m sure I don’t want to be a doctor or an engineer or a nurse, but I don’t have any idea of what I want to become in the near future. Actually, I don’t even want to go to the university. I don’t see myself within two or three years with lots of heavy books under my arm, walking on the campus of some university in some part of the country. And believe me, I should be worried about this issue because heavy books are what I love the most and lots of them is even better. But I’m not excited; it doesn’t make me feel good or anxious. Only makes me feel bad, sad and I start losing my hope. Please, don’t ask me why because I don’t know the answer for that question. The only thing I know is “I want to give up”.
My English teacher said, today: “Cláudia, if YOU want to give up, what would your friends do?” Here is my answer: “I know, teacher, the skills I have, I know my grades, but they are falling down. And that’s what I want to do. Just quit.”
Portugal should have a “gap year”. That would be really good. I know what I would do in that case. I would go to England work as a babysitter, for example, and think about my future. When I came back, I would decide what I would do. I think that would help me.
I can’t stay on this situation. I have to start thinking about my future. I just have one more year to think and a year goes so fast.
Though I am so undecided, I have a few ideas. Like I said before, medicine and engineering is out of the question. And with my recent experience on lectures, which I loved, I was wondering if I could do something where I interact with people. But I think I’m not on the right area. I should go to human sciences. But I’m not going back now. It’s a little bit too late. Probably later I can be back.
I don’t know what to do. I am so confused and the idea of giving up still appears like the light at the end of the tunnel, the huge and dark tunnel which is my life. And though I know that giving up is the best solution, I know it’s the worst, it is so seductive…
